Bari Bradini
and Feo Y Loco

[Note - Señor Bari Bradini (aka "The Great One") is a legend in his own mind. He began playing the blues pan pipes in the earliest years of this century (or maybe it was the century before. Who knows?) Though no "official" biographer has come forward to sort the wheat from the chaff, the "Great One" himself has written reams on the subject. Now, for the first time, much of it has been translated from the original Quechua. We present here, for the first time ever, these translations by His Excellency, Dom Perignon, who has known Bradini for at least a hundred years. These writings concern Bradini's association with the American Blues Band known as Feo Y Loco. What follows is mostly true. We think.]

Part the First
by Seņor Bari Bradini
(translated from the Quechua by Dom Perignon)

I met FEO Y LOCO in Peru on their first "Out of the Way Places Tour 1991". They were fresh from their triumph at the Motel 6 lounge in Circle Back, Texas.They had stopped off in Cusco on the way to the music festival at Iquitos on the Amazon (a very big river in my country) (and some very big women, too!). As luck would have it, the entire band came down with soroche (altitude sickness induced by not changing your underwear daily). They attempted to cure this by drinking pisco, a strong drink not unlike tequila. They were all passed out on park benches near the vegetable market when I was summoned to their aid, as I was also a musician.

I advised them to change their underwear, which cured their illness. We became great friends. When they learned I was the greatest blues pan-pipe player in the world, they offered to take me along on the rest of their tour. All I had to do was loan them 40,000,000 Cruzeros (about $10 American) and, as they say, the "deal was done".

[note - this account differs markedly from Bradini's own version of meeting Feo Y Loco that he told to David Letterman on national television ( click here to see that version). Bradini's agent Roberto refused to explain this discrepency --Ed.]

Part the Second
by Seņor Bari Bradini
(translated from the Quechua by Dom Perignon)

Once I became a member of FEO Y LOCO's World Tour, we left Cuzco for Machu Picchu by train. Ours was a happy group. I played the hauntingly beautiful "Quinas" on the pan pipes and FEO sang American love ballads such as "Butt Plugs". Thus we passed three days and nights on the trail to the Rio Apurimac ("Great Water That Makes Farting Noise" in Quechua), the headwaters of the Amazon.

Below the great cataracts, we secured two large canoes and a microwave oven from the natives and embarked for Iquitos. The Deaconettes had begun to teach me English. They knew some Quechua, having been held captive in the interior for several months by a crazed fundamentalist missionary named Pippwhacker. The poor man was finally driven insane by the Deaconettes, who sang "Vaginal Yeast Infection" for sixteen consecutive hours.

We lost both canoes and the microwave in a rapid and were stranded on the shore. Tom managed to get to land carrying 5 gallons of Chica (native homebrew), which he drank. He quickly passed out. Kellie suggested we use him for a raft. Using long poles to steer, we all boarded Tom and floated slowly down the Amazon toward Iquitos.

to be continued....

The Legendary Bari Bradini
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